Coming out of the closet...

I was inspired this morning by a poignant TedTalk. The speaker was a lesbian woman who was asked repeatedly by young children whether she was a "boy" or a "girl." Her message in the video was that we all have closets, despite our sexual orientation--and there are hard conversations that we have to have with the people around us. 

Every one of us has a story, and maybe not every part of our story needs to be shared with everyone. Throughout life, there are those dark moments in the closet, when we need to tell someone something really difficult. What keeps us curled up on our closet floor--alone and afraid? It might be any number of conversations--ending a relationship, serious illness, sexual orientation--things that we know we have to confront, but the closet seems so much better than the outside, where we might hurt someone, disappoint, or make them angry.

Ash Beckham, the speaker in the video, likened this to holding a grenade--it has to be thrown or it is going to explode. When we don't throw the grenade, we are not true to our narrative--and we affect the narrative of others. What do I mean by that?  If we aren't coming out of the closet, we are giving others false hope, leading people on--but most importantly, not being authentic. If we want the people in out life to be authentic to us, we have to act in kind.

Is there a grenade that you have to throw? Is there a closet that is keeping you confined and alone? Coming out of the closet is never easy...

See the video here.

Crazy, you say?

I love this recent blog in the Huffington Post.  I really appreciate that it is written by a man, which makes it even more powerful.  Take a look and share!  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/harris-oamalley/on-labeling-women-crazy_b_4259779.html

Fireworks?!

Fireworks are everywhere this time of year--but what about in the bedroom? One myth that we tend to believe is that all sexual encounters should be mind-blowing, "knock your socks off" sex.  Not true!  When we put that expectation on ourselves or our partners, we end up disappointed and sometimes even angry.  Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz, authors of many books regarding sexuality and relationships came up with what they call "The Good Enough Sex Model."  The model says:

35%-45% of encounters are "very good"

20% are "good" for at least one partner and "okay" for the other

15%-20% are "okay" for one partner and "acceptable" for the other

5%-10% are dissatisfying or dysfunctional

So, take the pressure off yourself and your partner, relax and enjoy the fireworks when they happen--but give yourself permission to be okay if they don't happen every time.  And for the 5%-10% of the time that is a disaster, try a sense of humor.  It can work wonders to allow you and your partner to move forward in a sexually healthy direction without embarrassment or resentment.  Have a Happy 4th!

The Relationship Tango

Years ago there was a spam email that made the rounds, entitled, “A Reason, A Season, Or A Lifetime.”  Although it was kind of sappy and lame, I printed it out and copied it because it had a good message–if you could get past the part that said, “Send this email to 10 friends,”…. blah blah blah!  The gist of the email was an explanation of why people come into to your life–for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  It appears that the author is unknown, but the message is a good one that I often repeat with clients who are struggling with some sort of interpersonal loss.  It speaks to the dance we do with other people, whether they are just passing through, or there for the long haul.  Here is my own spin on this poignant poem.

“A reason” may be that someone came into your life to answer a need, help you through a difficulty, or perhaps to provide guidance.  The poem says that the encounter may end for any number of reasons, but not necessarily because of any wrongdoing.  It may not last long, but we learn from it if we don’t get caught up with rationalizing and self-blame.

“A season” is when a person comes into the picture with the purpose of teaching something you need to know, or maybe an experience that needed to be realized.  But, only for a season.  Maybe it was a lover, someone who taught you to dance, play an instrument, or helped you to find some sort of joy in life.

“Lifetime” relationships teach us lessons, helping us to build an emotional foundation.  Keep in mind that these relationships are not always parents or families of origin, as many of us know that families can sometimes hurt more than they help.  The “lifetime” people, whoever they may be, teach us to handle conflict, argue, trust, commit, and love.  It’s not always perfect, but we know they are there: we can move away and come back, always with the warm, comfortable feeling that they are still a part of our lives.

What about your life?  Who are the “reason” people that made an impression on you? What did you take away that was valuable?  Sometimes we find these answers in retrospect, after some time and distance from the situation.  What would you say to this person if you could?  How about the “season” relationships?  What did you learn?  Can you “pay it back?”  Remember to appreciate the “lifetimers” in your life.  How are you contributing to and nurturing these very important relationships?

Sappy, yes, but I like the concept.  I think there is something to the notion that others come and go for many different reasons, leaving their own unique mark, which can alter the way we maneuver through our lives.

look into my eyes...

With many couples, it seems that when they are having difficulty in their relationship, they stop looking at each other.  I have heard people say, "I don't know when the last time was that I actually looked at him/her."  Eye gazing is a big part of falling in love--think about when you were in the beginning of a new relationship, or looking deep into the eyes of a newborn baby.  We could barely take our eyes off the other person! When we are in a conversation or flirting situation and make eye contact, we are practicing a more subtle form of eye gazing.

Eye gazing is an ancient practice found in some Eastern traditions, usually associated with tantra--which is a "soulful" way to connect at a deeper level.  Tantra is a sanskrit word meaning "woven together," which uses sexual union to bring together the physical and spiritual.  Whether this is a notion you can buy into or not, we can't discount the power of eye gazing.

So, give it a go!  Sit cross-legged across from your partner (or mirror, if you want to try this alone).  Set some boundaries as to time, touching or not, how to pull back when your mind wanders, etc.  Start with the left eye--it should be a soft gaze, not a staring contest.  When you feel comfortable to do so, change eyes. Relax and just experience...not judging what arises, and taking in the moment with curiosity and openness.  Try it for 5 minutes or so to begin, extending the time as you get more comfortable.

Discuss the experience with your partner, or if you are eye gazing with yourself, think about what it was like--How did it feel?  Were you able to see beyond the body?  What kind of feelings came up for you?  Try keeping a journal of your eye gazing experiences.

Eye gazing is a powerful exercise  that can develop or awaken intimacy.  Try it with different people in your life, including yourself.  Practice with your partner, both before and during sex to enhance your connection to each other.  The eyes, indeed, are the "windows to the soul."

For the more adventurous, get more information about tantra here.